Rhubarb Sandwiches

I saw a man walking downtown today, eating a rhubarb sandwich, or at least a very reasonable facsimile of a rhubarb sandwich.

I was walking beside him for a short while, matching his stride and stealing surreptitious glances at his hand contents, trying desperately, to ascertain the nature of the shiny purple substance he had wedged between his hoagie buns.

I was working on the initial premise that it was a McRib, due to those now being available and my proximity to McDonalds, but this was soon discounted, the wrapping he was holding it in was unbranded and the hue was all wrong.

So I was left with the heady conclusion that this was indeed a mother fucking Rhubarb sandwich.

After some speculation, I ascertained his reason for holding and eating this unlikeliest of food combinations; Armed robbery.

You see, I can tell you nothing about this man’s appearance, despite walking beside him for nearly 2 minutes.

After committing said armed robbery, the police would only be left with the description of ‘a guy with a rhubarb sandwich’, a woefully inaccurate description, as he would have undoubtedly tossed the condemning culinary distraction in the nearest gutter.

So heed this warning and stay vigilant citizens, as you never know what sort of evil masterminds lurk the streets of your fair city.

I’m too big for a big city; nobody wants me there.

I went to Vancouver for the week, or the better part of one.

This is not something I historically have had on my agenda, but Magic needed to be played, and friends needed my physical presence (they thrive on it)

I took public transit. I feel public transit is an important thing to take every so often.

There’s nothing to connect you with the people like a few days on a bus. Well, the poor people anyway.

Interesting note: Vancouver is composed of 90% elderly men of Asian descent; the remaining 10% is made of semi-shitty, hand-warted teens clutching Apple products.

Every time I make it to my destination, in Vancouver, via bus/sky train it seems like a mini-miracle.

Part of me is certain every bus I get on will take me to Salmon Arm, and I never – ever want to go to Salmon Arm. That’s some shit you need to know about me.

I mean… salmons don’t eve- alright, alright, I can’t get into that now.

In the summer, I had a pretty good gym schedule going, like 3-4 times a week for awhile there. Then a cold happened, and my refusal to be the mouth-breathing cough-dude, kept me out of the gym for all of Oct.

For my superior social etiquette, I’ve earned myself about 5 pounds of nasty and a severely diminished cardiovascular capacity.

We knew nice guys finished last, but apparently they also finish fat and wheezing.

It wouldn’t have been as bad, but it came to a crescendo this week; I crammed far too many mouth foods on my mini-vacay. So I blame Vancouver for my slip in dietary propriety.

I blame Vancouver for a lot of things.

PS: Saying “Vacay” out loud makes you a lousy guy.

Anyway, I’ve made it back to Victoria without doing any needle drugs, so that, to me, rings of a successful trip.

Santaween

We need to address this shit.

Currently were surrounded by zombies, ghosts, severed hands with everything written in bleeding goosebumps font, and life feels… right.
Then bam! – November 1st and we’re getting inundated with Santa and baby effing Jesus.

A 24 hour time frame is not enough of time for a thematic shift this… incongruous.
What we need here is a nice middle November event to ease this transition.

Now I know Americans don’t have this issue, what with the, seemingly perfect, November Thanksgiving which combines the Pumpkins and autumnal trappings we associate with Halloween and the family, pomp, ceremony and creepy smiling we associate with X-mas.

Well bully for them, and maybe we do blow our load a bit early with Thanksgiving, I’ll admit it, but some of us don’t have mfing Columbus Day, and don’t feel like spending a full dreary-ass October without a stat.

We got Remembrance Day and it IS slightly macabre, but it’s not really ‘celebrated’ is it?

Look, I don’t have all the answers… or any really. But Satan to Santa overnight is not working for me. This is not what our forefathers would have wanted.
We have forefathers too right? That’s not just an American thing?

Whatever, I’m using it.